


From the Inbox of God

by benevolentmonolithicc



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Aziraphale and Crowley Relationship (Good Omens), Aziraphale and Crowley Live Together (Good Omens), Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Mentioned God (Good Omens), POV Alternating, POV First Person, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Canon, Some Humor, The Bentley Ships It (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 11,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benevolentmonolithicc/pseuds/benevolentmonolithicc
Summary: You've reached God. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. At the sound of the tone, please leave your prayer.-BEEP-
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale & Crowley & The Them (Good Omens), Aziraphale & The Bentley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Death & Famine & Pollution & War (Good Omens), Delivery Man/Delivery Man's Wife (Good Omens), Hastur & Ligur (Good Omens), Hastur & Michael (Good Omens), Ligur & Michael (Good Omens), Sergeant Shadwell/Madame Tracy (Good Omens), The Bentley & Crowley (Good Omens), The Them & Adam Young (Good Omens), Warlock Dowling & The Them (Good Omens)
Comments: 135
Kudos: 227





	1. Adam Young

hey god

so you're like my grandmother right?

you know because of the whole antichrist thing

i don't know my parents are making me be here at church and talk to you so here i am

talking to you

so i've got some requests

pepper and brian and wensleydale have all asked you for stuff

but you haven't responded to them

which is pretty rude by the way

so i'm going to ask you

and you have to listen because i'm like technically sort of your grandson

pepper wants real live nunchucks

red ones with like a cool golden dragon design on them

but not those plastic kiddy ones you get in those stupid kiddy costumes for halloween

real ones like bruce lee has or or like michelangelo

her mum won't get them for her because she says they're too dangerous

and i think that's rubbish

and pepper even wrote santa claus and a note came back to her saying that that wasn't the sort of thing he gave out

but santa gave those kids in narnia weapons for christmas so i don't understand what the big deal is

i dunno

the note was written in pepper's mum's handwriting

brian wants one of those american ice cream shops to open up here in tadfield

one of the ones with thirty nine flavors of icecream

pepper told him that there weren't that many flavors of ice cream

so brian wants to prove her wrong and also eat all those different flavors

i think that's a brilliant idea

even though i don't know how there can be that many flavors of icecream anywhere

not even in america

and america's got loads of wicked stuff

like cowboys

and those gangsters with the funny voices

and bandits who try to break into your house when your parent leave you home alone

so maybe if you can't get brian all of those ice cream flavors you can get us some some

cowboys and gangsters and bandits

wensleydale wants a telescope

and i think that'd be really cool

'cause with a telescope you can see like

martians and neptunians and like

ET and all those cool spaceships blowing up

and i mean space is cool without all those aliens and spaceships

but i reckon that it would be rather boring without them

i mean, who wants to just stare at space all day without some cool laser fights?

i should probably ask for some stuff for my mum and dad too

my mum wants clear skies for that garden party she's throwing

and dad wants it to rain like gangbusters

that's what he said

gangbusters

so yeah if you could do that too

that'd be a real treat

oh and dog should get something too

i mean since i'm asking for things

i think dog'd like a bone

but like a really big one

like a dinosaur bone!

yeah that'd be brilliant!

maybe a whole dinosaur so me and pepper and wendsly and brian could ride it

and dog could case us trying to bit the dinosaurs legs

greasy johnson's gang hasn't got a dinosaur

they've just got a rusted up chainsaw they found on their side of town

and it doesn't even work or anything

greasy johnson just sort of waves it around like he's some sort of murderer

but he hasn't gotten a mask or anything

just that stupid chainsaw

so i think a dinosaur would really show him

so yeah

my mum says you're supposed to end these with amen

but i think that's a rubbish ending

so i'm going to say hasta la vista

like i saw a robot do in a movie

that brian found 

maybe a cool robot too

with like

sunglasses and a big gun and and

a leather jacket and one for me too

Miracle Responses to - ADAM YOUNG - 

*Red nunchucks with a golden dragon on the side to be found by Greasy Johnson's gang - to be won by Pepper in hand to hand combat - to be used in a game called Kung Fu Warriors of God, invented by Adam, to be played for three days

*A Baskin and Robins to be opened in Tadfield - to be pointed out by Pepper that they sell only 31 flavors of ice cream - to have all of the flavors sampled by Brian

*Telescope of middling quality to be purchased for cheap by a Mr. and Mrs. Wensleydale - to be used to discover possible signs of alien life - to be responsible for a hefty scholarship for Wensleydale

*Large unidentified bone to be discovered by Dog in the yard of R. P. Tyler - to be hastily buried by R. P. Tyler - to have the existence of strongly denied by R. P. Tyler

*Mild rain to go on during the garden party of Mr. and Mrs. Young - to be an annoyance for Mrs. Young - to be an annoyance for Mr. Young

*Terminator action figure to be found and purchased by Adam Young - to be equipped with a gun that can fire marshmallows - to be used to convince Mr. Young to pull out a leather jacket out of his closet from his twenties and let Adam wear


	2. Anthony Janthony Crowley

are you there god it's me, crowley

that's a book by the way

no the crowley bit that was 

i was making a joke

i mean, you probably know it's a book

and that i was making a joke

you're god

the big woman upstairs

all-knowing all mighty and all that

you know how it is

it's one of aziraphale's favorite books

he says its a wonderful coming of age story

and well i've read it

or tried to

and it's fine

but if aziraphale likes it, it's high art

and he does

so

reference

i don't even know why i'm talking to you

you never respond

thanks for never responding by the way

that definitely hasn't had any effects on me

but i don't know

sometimes i just feel like talking to you

even if you don't respond

i'm doing fine, by the way

if you even care

and thanks for that whole armageddon thing

it was a real blast

you know you almost could have ended everything if you weren't careful

actually i've been meaning to ask you about armageddon

did you plan it to go the way it did

me and aziraphale and that boy, the antichrist, adam or whatever it was

stopping the end 

or was it just luck

and we actually averted the great plan?

is it even possible to?

and that's another thing

the great plan

is there one?

is it just us doing what we want and saying it was all part of your plan?

i hope so

it'd be funnier that way

everyone always trying to interpret you and your plan and your will

and it's just us

us and our plans and our will

what to tell you what to tell you...

oh!

me and aziraphale moved in together

well, i moved my flat to be on top of his bookshop

and it's been great

i'm telling you this to show you that we're fine

not that i need you to know that

more of that we are an angel and a demon and we are living together and everything is awesome

no thanks to you

or maybe all thanks to you

depending on how much you believe in free will versus your stupid plan

aziraphale's rubbish with the plants

he's nice to them

actually nice to them!

i've never seen them look so bad

but it all evens out because the bentley's never been cleaner

i keep telling him that i can just miracle it clean but he insists on washing it himself

says it makes a world of a difference

but he rolls up his sleeves to clean it so i'm not going to complain

you didn't need to know that

sorry

or no i'm not because you already knew

being god and all

i think i know why i called you

to thank you

no, really

if you hadn't doomed me to fall

permanently scarring my psyche

and causing irreparable damage to my well being

like you do

i never would have met aziraphale

or been able to work with him

or live with him

or have him ruin my plants

or have him uselessly wash my bentley

so thank you for that

i guess

oh uh ariraphales calling

apparently his attempt to make pancakes has started a small fire

no no that's a large fire

a very big fire 

aziraphale the hell did you do to my kitchen

i need to go

um

bye god

Miracle Responses to - "ANTHONY JANTHONY" CROWLEY - 

*Housewarming present of a basket of apples to the residence of Aziraphale and Crowley - to be tripped over by Aziraphale leaving the bookshop - to be poorly made into a pie by Crowley and Aziraphale

*Book signing of _Are You There God, It's Me, Margret_ at Aziraphale's bookshop - to be attended by people who attempted to buy books from Aziraphale - to end in Crowley physically restraining Aziraphale from attacking someone trying to buy an original copy of Dante's _Paradiso_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh hey! This is me again! Thanks for reading and if there are any characters you'd like to see just ask and I'll give you a shout out in chapter note. Thanks again!


	3. Madame Tracy

oh heavens me 

it has been a while hasn't it?

a bit longer than i'd like to admit anyway

and before we get started mr. shadwell would like me to ask

dear do i have to?

[sigh] mr. shadwell has asked me to ask how many nipples you've got

i'm sorry for asking but the he insisted

doesn't want me or anyone else praying to witches

even almighty ones

i'd like to thank you

people thank you in prayers right?

well i will anyway

even if it's not something most people do

thank you for mr. shadwell

even if he does get a little hung up on witches

and thank you for the bungalow

i know they aren't the most expensive but finding one for this cheap well

well it was a proper miracle isn't it?

it's called shangri-la

our realtor, lovely woman by the name of bethany

do you know bethany?

she's trying to have a baby, could you help her out with that

thank you

anyway bethany was saying that the woman who owned it before us

she's moving to tadfield to be with her nephew

had named it shangri-la and i thought that was a lovely name

don't you?

anyways thank you for that

i'd like a crock-pot

i hear you can make excellent beef stew in them

and mr. shadwell seems like the man who'd like beef stew

(has anyone ever struck you as a beef stew person?

i'm sure they have, you are god after all

i'm sure a good many people seem like beef stew people to you)

only i don't know if we have the budget for it

what with the bills

and it's not like mr. shadwell isn't getting money from that nice man

the one who i shared a body with

and that scary fellow in all the black

but he did just buy me the most lovely necklace last week 

and i don't know if we have enough in the budget 

for rent and a crock-pot this month

so if you could be a dear and help with that

just a little bit

it really is a lovely necklace

i don't know how mr. shadwell found it

that's not to say i don't think that he could find something like that on his on

though i suspect newt helped him

it's just that he doesn't seem like the type

he's a beef stew sort of man

beef stew sort of people generally aren't the purchasers of such lovely necklaces

anyways thank you

i have enjoyed this chat

i'll try to talk to you again

sooner rather than later hopefully

um

oh right yes of course

amen

Miracle Responses to - MADAME TRACY - 

*Rare book collector sent to Shangri-La (bungalow) - to be used to appraise and purchase the books in the Witchfinder library - to be utterly blown away by the value of the books in the Witchfinder library and pay it in full

*Miraculous pregnancy to be given to Bethany O'Donaldson, realtor - to be the instigator for cravings of beef stew - to be the instigator of a reference of an excellent beef stew crock-pot recipe to Madame Tracy (to be greatly enjoyed by Sargent Shadwell.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any characters you want to see, tell me in comments, I'd love your feedback and I'll give you a shout out in the notes. Special thanks to thecyancat for suggesting this chapter! And while this is based more on the show (because I like it more, I know, I'm a heathen, i'm sorry it's just gayer) I do have some references to stuff in the books, like in the first chapter with Greasy Johnson and in this one with Wendslydale's aunt and Shangri-La. If you need a reference explained don't be afraid to ask in the comments! Thanks for reading!


	4. Newton Pulsifer

please let it go well

for the love of god let this go well

and not the well it usually goes

where i'm just fine

just coasting on fine

but really actually well

let them like me

they won't

but please, god, let them like me

let them support this

us

me

whatever

just

just let them like me

and make it so i don't mess this up

like i do computers

and every other relationship

or lack of

or job

or even 

i don't know

i mess up just so much

but i need this to go well

and i need to be good

and i need them to like me so i can ask her to marry me

and i don't want to get shot

i know that's what they do to people in america

they shoot them

and i'm not about that

getting shot

or i mean

i'm not really for shooting people either

i just

i

i just want to be good

for her

anathema

she'd so

good

at everything

and beautiful

and smart

and funny

and i 

i don't know how this happened

how we

happened

but i don't want to mess it up

so 

so please let this go well

so few things in my life do

i'm rubbish with computers

and with people 

and with anything

i

i think i'm just rubbish

i have to be for all of this

wrong

to happen to me

and i keep waiting for her to realize that

that i'm not good enough

that i'm 

rubbish

and i hope she doesn't

but she's bound to eventually

everyone always does

so

so just let this be a win for me

let me not make this rubbish

like i make everything else

just let this go well

Miracle Responses for - NEWTON PULSIFER - 

*Affirmation of personal worth to be given repeatedly and intermittently through the upcoming months to Newton Pulsifer - to be given in person and in anonymous letter form - to be ignored and rejected by Newton Pulsifer but internalized deep down

*Proposal from Anathema Device to be given to Newton Pulsifer - to be responded to by Newton Pulsifer choking on his drink - to be accepted ecstatically once Newton Pulsifer has stopped choking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Durafinity and Langerhan for this suggestion! Thank you everyone for the comments (they mean so so much y'all) and once again thank you all for reading!


	5. Aziraphale

hello god

it's been a while

though that isn't entirely my fault is it

i mean i did try to contact you

quite a lot if you'll recall

i even called the special line

but i just got silence as usual

but that situation got all sorted out

me and crowley were rather excellent if i do say so myself

i think crowley told you that we're living together

he thinks i don't know that he contacts you more that i do

or at all really

he's been really excellent with the customers at the bookshop too

we've had hardly any since he moved in

it's not that i don't like customers it's that i don't like them buying anything

those aren't their books to take

they didn't collect them over thousands of years and keep them in pristine condition

a couple of people manage to make it in despite our best efforts

but i think people are starting to learn not to try and buy anything

they've started taking pictures of the pages with those phones of theirs

and then leaving without taking anything

and that's quite alright

some of them are even lovely people

there's a group that will come in and just read on the couches

and then when i shoo everyone out they just put back the books

why don't all bookshops work like that i wonder

people just borrowing your books and then putting them back where they found them right after

a new restaurant opened up right next to me an crowley recently

the serve the most exquisite pad thai that i've had since its invention

and i've even gotten crowley to try some

it was too spicy for him but that is because he doesn't eat anything

you could give him a flake of salt and he'd need a gallon of milk i swear

but the couple who run it

cai and yvette

need some help on the lease

and i can't just miracle them enough money every month

or they'll start to wonder how i get it all

and i think that they think me and crowley are already into some sort of criminal operation or scheme

which i can assure you we are not by the way

so i guess that's why i'm talking to you after all this time

they need some help and i can't provide it

you know i wouldn't bother you if i could

so can you?

help them them i mean?

no, i know you can

will you help them

they really are lovely

and even crowley likes them and he at least pretends to dislike everyone

i think it's because cai let him borrow a dress of hers

and yvette did his makeup for our last date night

and their bistro does have a bit of a snake motif

oh you should have seen the look on his face when he entered their restaurant for the first time

they say it's because their son was born this last year of the snake

though i think they also just like snakes

because some of their snake patterned jewelry

(which crowley has also borrowed)

looks older than 2013

but i digress

amen

and have a lovely day

Miracle Responses to - AZIRAPHALE -

*Zhao's Pan Asian Bistro to be featured in popular food magazine - to be the catalyst for a massive influx of customers for Zhao's Pan Asian Bistro - to be the catalyst for a smaller but still sizable influx of customers to Aziraphale's bookshop to the chagrin of Aziraphale

*Article on the Library of Congress and how it operates to be featured in same magazine - to be read by Aziraphale as he looks for the article on Zhao's - to be suggested by Crowley that maybe Aziraphale run his bookshop the same way

*Bill of Crowley and Aziraphale's next dinner paid for by anonymous patron - to be accompanied by a note with a blessing on it - to be not noticed by either

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cai means colorful or rainbow btw and that definitely is on purpose  
> Special thanks to Duraffinity and AlchemyInParchment for this suggestion! Thanks to everyone for your comments and kudos too! Thanks for reading!


	6. The Delivery Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading, and thank you again for your comments they mean the world to me! Don't forget I'm always down for suggestion for who to write about next, just leave your suggestions in the comments and I'll give you a shout out in the Chapter Notes!

i'm not crazy, alright

you know that

you're just about the only one who does

and i get it

i really do

i sound crazy but

i died

and i'm not dead anymore

and i'm not sure how

but i'm telling the truth

that week

the week before i died

i saw so much

i went around the world

and then i died

and then i wasn't

it's been a roller coaster

and maude's been a peach

she always is

but she can tell something is wrong

i don't want to worry her

she's the light of my life

but she can tell that i'm holding something back from her

and i can see she's hurt that i'm not telling her

but what do i tell her

that i died in the line of service

that i died but then didn't

that i met death?

no

no there's nothing i can say to her

she doesn't know that she was my last thought before i died

before walking into that lorry

that note i wrote her

it's

it's still in my truck

can't bring myself to throw it out

maude

maude i wish i could make you understand

make you know what i did

what got undid somehow

because i've read the bible

my mum made me go to church

i know about the horsemen

and i wasn't sure until i met

it

but i think i caused the apocalypse maude

and it didn't happen for whatever reason

most like the reason i'm alive again

but i brought about the end of all things

and maude

i'm scared of what that means for everything

i saw her

my mum

when i died

she made me tea

isn't that so like her

even dead she can't not make me tea

i've been drinking a lot of tea since i got back

can't tell maude why 

or why i'm using the mug mum got from thailand

when she went before she got really sick

but i am

i don't think i realized just how much i missed her until i was drinking tea with her

and she was telling me i needed some more meat on my bones

but then i thought of maude

and how much i missed her too 

and then i was back here

alive

shaken

and my mum was still gone

i don't know why i'm talking to you

the last time i was at a church was mum's funeral

but when mum got like this

when she got bad

or she was in a bad place

she would talk to you

and that always made things better

and i don't know how it can 

but i've seen stranger things happen

i've had stranger things happen to me

i've been to bloody des moines after all

it doesn't get stranger than that

sorry

probably shouldn't swear while talking to god

probably a sin or something

well anyways

thanks for listening

and for maude

and for me seeing my mum again

amen

Miracle Responses to - DELIVERY MAN -

*Protection of Taiwanese elephant mug from breaking - to be dropped several times to test that it's unbreakable after it didn't shatter when dropped from a very tall height - to be accepted with a shrug by the Delivery Man

*Offer from Anglican Church of Our Divine Host for free renewal of vows for Delivery Man and Maude - to be accepted and insight great debate over the manner at which invites ot the event are shipped ("You don't need to ship your own invites, tiger." "But Maude, what if they ship them _wrong_?") - to be a beautiful ceremony

*Invite to the Died-In-Armageddon-But-Am-Alive-Now Organization (note: not official name) to be delivered to the Delivery Man - to be attended by the Delivery Man (with Maude for support) - to be a great comfort to the Delivery Man


	7. Warlock Dowling

i'm eleven now

and that's practically all grown up

so i know things

like how 

um

well i know things alright

a lot of things

so i know that i was brought up weird

i have friends

i talk to them

and none of their nannies sang them songs

about taking over the world or anything

or about crushing armies underfoot

but i sort of miss her

my nanny 

she was just nice you know

not in a normal way

nothing about nanny was normal

but she seemed to really care about me

i feel alone

i know that's stupid

i mean i've got loads of friends

and my parents love me

even if dad's never really there

it's not his fault

but i was never lonely with nanny

we played games

and sang songs

and she was weird

and the songs were weird 

and when i told my friend sarah

who i got to school with

about some of them

she was really freaked out

and had nightmares for weeks

but i still feel alone

i shouldn't

but i do

the world's crazy right now

it's a mess

i won't get into specifics

i bet a bunch of people are talking to you about them already

and i just feel alone in it

in this crazy world

and i know i'm not alone

that there are even other people who feel like i do

it's called the internet

everyone feels like this

but it still feels like just me

and i want it not to

be just me

or feel like just me

anymore

and i'm not even asking for nanny back

though that would be nice

i know i'm too old for a nanny

i'm eleven

that's practically an adult

i just want somebody

i'd even take brother francis

even though he was always telling me 

not to crush slugs and snails underfoot

like nanny wanted me to

y'know that snails and slugs are bad for gardens

our new gardener said so when i was playing with them by the begonias

but i'll tell you something

brother francis' begonia's looked nicer

even mom says

y'know what i've always thought

nanny and brother francis were in love

and it's probably nonsense

i mean they were so different

but

i mean they even quit on the same day

makes you think that they absconded together

see that's something i know

the word abscond

saw it in one of mom's books

that she keeps up on the high shelves

and tells me not to touch

but i do anyway

because they teach me things

like the word abscond

my english teacher's always telling me that

when you're asking people for something

in like an essay

or whatever

that you need a strong conclusion

one that wraps everything up

that really drives home your point

but what point have i made

i'm lonely

i grew up weird

i hope nanny and brother francis are happy together

if they even are together

and i hope they are

because no matter what she said about crushing 

the world beneath my feet

the way she looked at brother francis 

said that she wouldn't want me to crush him

even if she said otherwise

and no matter how much love

brother francis had for everything

it didn't compared to the way he looked at nanny

i've gotten off track

but you see it, right?

whatever

just get me a friend, maybe

or just someone i don't feel as alone with

and around

bye

i must abscond

Miracle Response to - WARLOCK DOWLING -

*Urge of Crowley to write to Warlock to be initiated - to be received ecstatically - to be the initiator of a monthly meet up between Warlock and "Nanny Astorath"

*Introduction of Warlock to the Them to be the result of rezoning in the Tadfield area - to be the start of a wondrous, in not highly chaotic friendship - to be the bane of R. P. Tyler's existence


	8. Hastur, Duke of Hell

*Redirected from the Inbox of Satan (old message)

lord satan

o darkest one

it is i

uh hastur

duke of hell

i've got to meet up with crowley today

delivering the antichrist and all that

so i am going to ask you

the same thing i always ask you

when i have to meet with him

please smite him

remove him

kill him

replace him

just for the love of you

just get rid of him

everytime i see that

that flash bastard

and his stupid hair

and sunglasses

it's the worst

forgive me lord but i must admit

that being a demon with him

almost makes me wish that i wasn't

and i love being a demon, lord

i really do but

last time i saw him

in the 70s

with that

_mustache_

i almost wished it lord

i really did

at least i get to spend time with ligur

ligur hasn't been on earth very often

less than i have even

so when we go he's always just

surprised

with everything

i showed him a pocket knife last time we were there

and now he has eight on his person at all times

we got them at a gift shop 

so they have names

william is his favorite

and jacqueline is mine

but all of them are sharp

and i often dream of using them

on crowley

sometimes beelzebub when they give me

enough paperwork

i don't know how _that_ demon

crowley i mean

invented the spanish inquisition

and started the second world war

i read those files

and it was just so

evil

i teared up a bit

humanity is really going to the dogs, my lord

and to think that that sunglass wearing...

well i don't know a suitable enough name to call him

he's just the worst

and not like the worst how we say it

i have that conversation a lot with ligur

i know we can't be up to any good

but it just makes things confusing

well anyways

please destroy crowley

i have to go deliver the antichrist to him

maybe don't destroy crowley while he's still got your son

that might lead to some complications

and not in a good way

bye then

ligur is waiting

Miracle Response to - HASTUR -

*Permanent sharpness to be bestowed on the knives William, Jacqueline, Elizabeth, Daniel, Rose, Kyle, Worlds #1 Dad, and Country Girl <3 - to be not noticed or questioned by Hastur or Ligur - to be used only for evil with positive consequences (to also not noticed by Hastur or Ligur)

**Miracle(s) performed Post-Armageddon**

*Ligur to be restored to demonic life after Armageddon - to be never questioned by Ligur (to be greatly questioned by Hastur) - to be appreciated greatly by the demons of Hell without them ever saying as much or showing it for the most part either

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read a hc that because everyone who died and everything was broken was fixed after Armeggedon't (this is way more explicitly stated in the book) that Ligur would also be fine, and idk I like that theory. I just saw the dude who plays Hastur in a movie last night, so fortuitous timing ENDT1MES, who suggested this chapter. Thank you to everyone in the comments they mean a lot, and for all of the kudos and hits and as always, for reading!
> 
> Also as of now we have 269 hits and so might i just say, nice


	9. R. P. Tyler

o father who art in heaven

hallowed be thy name

i thank thee for the newspaper

so that i can make my formal complaints

about the degradation of our society

and for my dog

and most loyal companion

in bringing order to my humble village

i wanted to ask you

heavenly father

for some assistance in keeping 

tadfield respectable

and proper

i thank thee for the ability to do some justice in my town

for letting me be part of our neighborhood watch

but i am ashamed to admit heavenly father

that i am unable to truly eliminate the menace that plagues our fair berg

ruffians!

gangs of ruffians and rapscallions and ne'er do wells

infest and fester in tadfield

it was bad enough when there were just small gangs of these

hooligans

roaming around like feral dogs

but their numbers are growing heavenly father

a new boy has joined adam young's group

and he is as ferocious and precocious as the rest

it was not even yesterday that that boy

led a raid upon my poor flower gardens

which have not seen such horrors inflicted on them from above

since the blitz itself

and do you know what that new boy said to me as i berated him for his offence

he said that i was to be ground under his feet when his armies of hell emerged to enact his will

the nerve

i blame our public education system

and television these days

the boy clearly is a minion of the adversary

and where he even learned such herricy i cannot even think

maybe a demon told him such lies and blasphemy

i would not be surprised

i beseech thee heavenly father

tell me the name of that boy's parents

so that he may be properly punished for his mischief and dissent from your teachings

it is not just for my sake i ask this of you, heavenly father

but for tadfield

for my gardens

and for that child too

so that your light may once again bless him

in all of his glory

i say these things in the name of jesus christ

amen

Miracle Responses to - R. P. TYLER -

*Mr. and Mrs. Dowling to pick up Warlock from lower Tadfield in front of R. P. Tyler - to be an opening for R. P. Tyler to tell them about what mischief their son has caused - to be responded to by Mrs. Dowling with "At least he's outside and not on his Gameboy"

*Stories of Warlock's upbringing (especially about Nanny) to be mentioned to the Them - to be compared with the Them's experiences during Armageddon - to be used to better confuse R. P. Tyler with heretical threats and talk of the armies of Hell being used to steal apples

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: It's taken this long for me to look up what acctual prayers are supposed to look like, and this is the ninth chapter. 
> 
> Shout out to diana for this suggestion! If you want to see a specific character's prayer just ask in the comments! Thanks for all of your comments, kudos, and for reading. I'll probably be updating this more now that I'm off of school for 2+ weeks (thanks Coronavirus, please don't kill my old people neighbors, they're really nice), so you can probably expect more updates


	10. Pepper

i noticed that you responded to adam but not to me

that's rude

but i did get those nunchucks all the same so

thanks i guess

even if mum did take them away

because i gave brian one little black eye

like it's not like it's the first time

but whatever

we're planning a heist for friday

to get them back

and we've watched loads of heist movies to prepare

so we know exactly what we're doing

and warlock even told us

about how his nanny 

had planned a heist in the 60s

or the 70s or something

and so he knows all about heists

i'd like to meet warlock's nanny

partially to find out if he's just making these stories up

and partially because i feel she'd know some cool things

like what was she stealing in that heist

and warlock's told all sorts of stories about like

the stuff his nanny did before she was a nanny

that he's pretty sure that he wasn't supposed to remember

and i think his nanny killed some nazis

and i'd like to kill some nazis

with my nunchucks

and i might need a little help with that

and speaking of warlock

adam said that he had such a cool name

that we should all have names like that

so he's now wizard

i'm alchemist

dog's hellhound

(which i said was stupid because

dog's closer to a cat than a hellhound)

and brian's sorcerer

wensleydale went with witchleydale

and warlock said witches were girls

but we asked anathema

and she said anyone could be a witch

even boys

and that she loved having us over

but she was in the middle of wedding planning

so could we please not play in the middle of her cottage thank you

anyway we're also planning a gang war

when i've got my nunchucks back

and i read a book where when you're going to war

you're supposed to ask god for her blessing and protection

so can i have some of that pleaseandthankyou

and if you're worried about us getting hurt or anything

don't because it's really just play fighting

and because i can't give anyone else a black eye

or mum'll take away my nunchucks again

and then how will i defend us against retribution

so really you'll be keeping us safe in the long run

with your blessings and protections

adam says that you end this with hasta la vista

so

hasta la vista

\--

Miracle Response to - PEPPER -

*Success of "Operation Get-Back-Pepper's-Nunchucks-So-We-Can-Fight-the-Johnsonites" (Official operation name) - to be not discovered until after the ensuing "gang war" - to be the result of only two things breaking from the heist itself and nunchuck usage

*Visit by Crowley and Aziraphale to Tadfield to check up on Adam - to be at the same time as a game with Warlock - to be the instigator far a long and strange explanation of Warlock's developmental years and the events of Armageddon (to become a regular visit)

*Blessings and protections to be bestowed upon the Them in their "gang war" - to be the reason for no black eyes - to be not enough to keep Pepper's mum from taking back the nunchucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out the AlchemyInParchment for this suggestion! If you want to see a specific character just ask in the comments, and thanks for reading!


	11. Harriet Dowling

first off i'm just going to say

thank you for warlock's new friends

it's really great that he's connected

with some kids his own age 

and all that but

he's definitely gotten

into my romance novels

and i think he's started sharing them

with those new friends of his

and he's learning from them

but that's what i'm worried about

so if you could do something about

him always getting into those novels

no matter where i hide them

that would be great

because the last thing i need

is him really learning from those

thaddeus has a big conference this week

yeah with the whomever

whatever

what really matter is

the ambassador to canada is going to be there

and that means he's bringing his wife of his

and that 

that _woman_

is 

is certainly something

(certainly something

i shouldn't say to god that is)

so if you could just

make her sick

or called away on some urgent business

or maybe hit by a bus

i'm not choosey

just

just not at this event

because it's a big deal

and that woman is the worst

anyway i'm fine

how are you?

...

it's just she's always so

conceited

and passive agressive

and she always looks down on us f

or some reason

because canada is such a

glamorous posting

right um

thank you for warlock

for thaddeus

for the house

for 

for that woman's terrible nose job

sorry

that's not in the spirit of forgiveness

or love

or whatever it is these things

are suppose to be in the spirit of

it's love right?

it's usually love

what else

oh there's that new

documentary out later this week

about early reactions to dinosaurs

on their discovery

and there's this bit in the trailer for it

where they talk about the greek

urn/pot things and how you can see we

were finding these skulls

even back then

and how wrong they were

and if you could just move up the date

of that documentary premiere

on netflix that would be spectacular

and maybe make warlock watch it with me

because i know deep down he finds it interesting

even if he pretends he doesn't

though he has become

more open ever since

he started hanging out

with those kids

and look at the time

it's time for me to watch 

the canadian ambassador's wife

be herself

all over this party

i must abscond

amen

\--

Miracle Response to - HARRIET DOWLING -

*The Ambassador to Canada's wife to embarrass herself in an incident involving a chocolate fountain and half a bottle of pinot noir - to be after some loud disparaging remarks about Harriet Dowling - to be the unofficial reason for her lack of attendance to the next four similar events (official given reason being allergies, the flu, child has the flu, and gout)

*Harriet Dowling's romance novels (featuring titles such as Hips of Desire, Beached on the Beaches of...Love, a Man Named Stud, and the Woman with the Auburn Hair) to be successfully hidden deep in the laundry room over the dryer - to be bemoaned by Warlock Dowling and rest the Them - to be a great relief to Harriet Dowling

*Documentary _Paleontology of the Past_ to be watched two days before it's release by the Them and the Dowlings - to be never explained or question how they got early access - to inspire a game of various historical eras discovering and battling dinosaurs, led by Warlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to manypastfrustrations for this suggestion! If you want to see a specific character represented in these, just leave your recommendation in the comments. And as always, thanks for reading!


	12. Dog

*Translated from dog

my nayme is dog

aind i am not

a litle dog

i am but

i was not always

i was bigg

hell hownd

aind i was not

a good boye

adam says i am

a good boye

a good dog

but can a 

hell hownd

be a

good boye?

i am sposed to bee

what he wants me to bee

but am i sposed to bee

a good boye?

i liek to bark

aind run

aind lick

aind yap

att the cat

who is bigg

aind mean

aind does not liek

me to yap at it

but i do

anyway

does that make me

a bad boye

aind not a good boye?

aind am i sposed to bee

a good boye

is it good to bee

a bad boye

even though

adam says i am to bee

a good boye

or should i bee

a good boye

even though

i am sposed to bee

a bad boye?

all i want

is to nap

aind to yap

aind to bark

aind to play

aind that very bigg bone

in the yard i am

not sposed to bee in

aind to bee petted

tween my ears

aind ice cream

that brian drops

aind bicicle rides

aind to make

adam happy

so maybee i am

a good boye

aind i don't know

if that's a bad thing

to bee

Miracle Response to - DOG -

*Dog ice cream to be sold at Baskin and Robbins - to be devoured with ferocity by Dog - to be secretly sampled by Brian

*Extended life for Dog and the barn cat - to be not questioned by the Young family - to be talked about on a paranormal investigation show that knows too much in about a decade

*Increased desire for bicycle rides by the Them - to be enjoyed by Dog in and out of the basket on the front of Adam's bike (formerly Pepper's bike) - to lead to an impromptu and accidentally violent recreation of the Tour de France if the Tour de France was held by blood thirsty gang members

*Baskin and Robbins Tadfield location manager Antoine Palaco to take a great liking to Dog - to offer a discount to the Them if they bring along Dog - to bring greater pets between the ears for Dog (to involve Antoine murmuring, "Who's a good boy? You are! You are!" as they pet) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I'd be writing a dog's identity chrisis but here I am. Short chapter this time, but Dog is a dog. I haven't met many dogs with long soliloquies in them. I may have used memes as an inspiration but I mean even if it was low hanging fruit it was still ripe for the picking
> 
> Special thanks to mywingsareonwheels for this suggestion! If there's a character that you'd like to see please leave a comment! Thank you all for your comments and kudos and as always for reading!


	13. Anathema Device

i'm praying for household protection

again

but i mean

you've got to keep demons out somehow

right?

so yeah

that

and i do need a refill on holy water

for the humidifier

it goes a long way in keeping a house

demon free

crowley and aziraphale came over again

they do that sometimes

more now that they check on the kids

and i tell you i think there's something wrong with crowley

because everytime i've got my dehumidifier going

he has to leave

and i don't know

that's weird, right?

that's a weird thing to do?

aziraphale makes excuses

allergies

or called away on business

but it's every time the dehumidifier's on

but it's no matter

they're great company

and they've been a big help with the wedding

they even got that pan-asian place

to cater it for cheap

which doesn't seem like much but

well i don't need to tell you how much weddings cost

i was thinking

were me and newt right?

to burn the other prophecies

to give up the device family tradition

of learning from agnes

and to live my life as my own

in the dark

without any sort of guidance

because total independence sounds wonderful

it sounds like an ideal to build a country on

but think about it

my family is who they are

got where we are

because of agnes

and did agnes even write anything on those pages?

did she even bother

because why would she if she knew

we were just going to burn them?

there are so many questions about agnes

she was an enigmatic woman 

i knew that before i even knew that word

but that's what she is

an enigma

i wonder if she had a copy

of the second set of prophecies

or if she wanted me to burn them

to set myself free from her

and her knowledge

she didn't just want me to run out of book

but to choose to not open a new one

but i shouldn't linger on that

agnes is dead

she exploded

so i can't ask her any of these questions

i can just

think

and ask you

knowing you won't respond

and hope that this act of asking

is enough for me

to reassure me of my place 

now that i don't have agnes telling me who i am

and what i'm for

newt says that my purpose is to live

and that it might not be a glamorous 

world saving purpose

but it's mine

and it's his

and it's everybody's

because we don't have a set purpose

we just have a life to live

so we might as well live it

thank you for him

when agnes prophesied him i had been hoping for someone more

handsome i guess

less of a mess

but that's what makes him him

makes him so sweet and considerate

and i'm glad he isn't perfect 

because neither am i

and i don't have to be

i've gotten off topic

i just need my house

suitably free of evils

and all that

so 

yeah

amen

Miracle Response to - ANATHEMA DEVICE -

*A discussion with the Them explaining who exactly Crowley and Aziraphale are - to be the reason Anathema stops running her dehumidifier when they come over for tea - to be a very helpful explanation of why their auras are so weird

*Anathema to dream project her consciousness into the past to talk to Agnes Nutter - to be very enlightening in that it answers a good many questions about life people's place in it - to be less enlightening in that it raises more questions than it answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole chat with Agnes thing is based on Agnes Nutter yelling at an astrally projecting Shadwell that I'm lowkey kind of bummer isn't in the show. I'll do an Agnes Nutter one as soon as I figure out the weird spellings (read: as soon as I have enough confidence to spell with my heart and not with my spell check). Special thanks to doctormissy for this suggestion! If you want to see a character represented here just tell me in the comments. Thanks to everyone for your comments and kudos and as alway, for reading.  
> Also, side note: I'm kind of new to AO3 so if anyone tells me how to add pictures, I can add some in each of these.


	14. The Bentley

*During Apocalypse - Gleaned from Stray Thoughts from a Quasi-Sentient Entity Blazing Along the M25

ooh love

ooh loverboy

it's you,

you're all i see

your wish is my command

anywhere you go

i'll be right behind you

right until the ends of the earth

you're the best friend

that i ever had

i've been with you such a long time

when things turn out bad

you know i'll never be lonely

you're my only one

and i love the things

i really love the things that you do

you're my best friend

you never heard my song before 

the music was too loud

but now i think you hear me well 

for now we both know how

don't you hear me calling you

there's no stopping me

i'm burning through the sky

two hundred degrees

that's why they call me mister fahrenheit

i'm traveling at the speed of light

put out the fire put out the fire put out the fire

music lights this flame in me

i won't let it go and it won't let me be  


i know my little friends

but i should not grieve

and i wonder why i still live on

you make me live

i have to find the will to carry on with the show

on with the show

show must go on

dear friend, goodbye

no tears in my eyes

so sad it ends

tomorrow comes  tomorrow brings

tomorrow brings love in the shape of things

at any time

anywhere

if you gotta make love do it everywhere

that's what love is  that's what love is

'cause love's such an old-fashioned word

and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night

and love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves

i really love the things that you do

you're my best friend  


if there's a god in the sky looking down

what can he think of what we've done

to the world that he created?

but i just can't get no relief, lord

listen - what people do to other souls

they take their lives - destroy their goals

their basic pride and dignity

is stripped and torn and shown no pity

when this should be heaven for everyone

oh, lord

when I open my eyes

will it all go away

let me live

for

my best friend

-

Miracle Response to - THE BENTLEY -

*Bumblebee like speech to be granted to the Bentley, not just in thought form - to be used mostly to play love songs whenever Crowley and Aziraphale are in the car together - to be used rarely and randomly, mostly just to confuse and annoy Crowley

*Incubation period for songs to become Queen songs in the Bentley to be changed from two weeks to three - to be for the purpose of expanding the catalogue of words in the Bentley's possession - to be just accepted as a quirk of having been destroyed in the Apocalypse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this is cobbled together Queen songs. Fun Fact: Queen has a lot of songs. Like, so many songs. 
> 
> Songs in this are (I think all of these are in here. Most of them are anyway): Is This the World We Created; Under Pressure; All Dead, All Dead; Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy; You Take my Breath Away; You're My Best Friend; Modern Times Rock 'N' Roll; Keep Yourself Alive; White Queen; Some Day One Day; Funny How Love Is; '39; Don't Stop Me Now; Put Out the Fire; The Show Must Go On; Heaven For Everyone; Still Burnin'; Say It's Not True; Let Me Live
> 
> Shout out to Snowfilly1 for this suggestion. Sorry it took so long, but I needed Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy stuck in my head to write this, apparently.


	15. The Archangel -expletive deleted- Gabriel

o mother who art in heaven

you got a minute?

i don't want to bother you

i know you don't respond to these things

you've got better things to do

i get it

that's why i have sandalphon do all the paperwork

but i have a question

which is

which is off brand for me

you know me god

i don't ask questions

and i've never doubted you

but armageddon

it just

didn't

i mean

what was that all about?

that was supposed to be it

the big fight

we wiped out hell

and earth too but

they have nothing to offer really

other than clothes

the sound of music

and good places to jog

but i mean

we spent six thousand years

six thousand

waiting for armageddon

we trained

and we got stronger

got all psyched up

and then crowley and aziraphale

and that embarrassing excuse for an antichrist

ruined it

just up and stopped the end of everything

and i've been thinking a lot about what those two freaks said

about 

about your plan

how that was part of it

and it couldn't be, right?

because you wouldn't have made us 

train

and get stronger

and psyche ourselves up

just to not have anything happen

right?

but then again that would suggest that you

_you_

are fallible

that people can deviate from your plan

which is ridiculous

because you're god

and if you're fallible

what does that mean about the rest of us?

i'm just not sure for once

being unsure

it's not 

it's not agreeable

i don't enjoy it

so if you could give me a sign or something

a show of favor

or of clarity

or maybe don't

make me figure this out on my own

figure out my faith in you

and your plans

on my own

just like

well just like humanity

\--

Miracle Response to - THE ARCHANGEL *expletive deleted* GABRIEL -

no logged response(s)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to smthej, diana, and donner for this suggestion. We've hit the critical mass of me not doing this, but I guess as I can't leave my bed today I'm going to knock this sucker out. Thank you to everyone for your comments, your kudos, your bookmarks, your subscriptions, your suggestions, your reading this. Just, thanks for everything! Y'all have been so supportive and I can't thank you enough. That sounds a lot like this is going to be the last chapter. It's not btw. I just want to say thank you.


	16. A Disposable Demon

this is to you

not to satan

and it's not a mistake

this is to you

this message

do you have any idea what it's like to be disposable?

no, you don't

to the extent where

there's no way you can know what it's like

to be so disposable

that it's part of your identity

you are

by definition

nondisposable

you're god

the creator of all things

and you are

everywhere

everything

and what am i?

another face in the crowd

a face that others share

a face that i can't even really call my own

because i can see it just as easily on

the face of my neighbor as in the mirror

i am disposable

that's my name

or our name

or not even that

because we don't have names

we are just a legion of same faced demons

just waiting for the end to come

and hoping that it'll be fast

because when you're disposable 

you don't have that illusion that so many have

person and demon alike

that somehow you'll never die

because you can't imagine the world without yourself in it

but i know exactly what the world will be like without me

the same

unchanged

still moving along the same way

i'm not asking for more life

or

or for indispensability

just a name

just some identifier of who i am

so that when i'm gone

i'm remembered

maybe not by all of hell

or by anyone for very long

just so i have some illusion of 

presence

in this world

i've been thinking about names recently

just the concept

because names change

they aren't set thing if you don't want them to be

but at the end of the day they're all you have

and if all you have is your name

and your name can be shed like skin

then what do you have?

what do i have if i don't even have that?

what name would i choose if i had one

there are so many

and they can be anything

just a collection of sounds in that means you

and who would say those sounds that mean me

those around me

who are as disposable as i?

those above me

who see no difference between us?

just me in my head?

you're probably wondering why i'm talking to you

it's not a wrong number

i know who i'm talking to

and i know nothing is going to get done

but sometimes it's nice to talk 

to have some part of you remembered

preserved

even if it's just in the mind of someone

because i bet you'll remember me

i bet that a demon talking to you caught your attention

or it didn't

but i've still taken a moment of your infinite time

and whenever you think back on that time

you'll think of me

and even if that's all the legacy i get

it's better than most get

disposable or otherwise

i think i'd like to be falkor

or maybe amalthea

or

or julius

or boudica

something strong

a name that sticks in your mind

and makes you think

"now there was someone worth meeting"

i don't think anyone's ever thought about me

after they met me

and why should i

i'm not anything but disposable

but i'd like to be more

i'd like to be earnest

it's what i am

or at least what i aspire to be

and is that not a name

what one aspires to be

to fill that name that they were given

the promise that your collection or sounds makes

that you'll be something worth remembering

that you'll be

no matter what you are

you

and me is all i have

it's all i am

it's all i can be

so i might as well be earnest

if nothing else

because it's

hold on

i

i think i hear

\--

Miracle Response to - A DISPOSABLE DEMON - 

*No response possible

**Message Saved to Archive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone thank redsprite and mywingsareonwheels for this suggestion and ~bummer ass prayer.~ If you want to see someone represented here just leave it in the comments along with the validation that I so crave. Thanks for reading y'all! (also thanks for the kudos to everyone but the person who made it 70. don't take it back just know what you've done)


	17. Sargent Shadwell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay fine, I won't do a sad one. Anathema's bachelorette party is attended by Madame Tracy and Crowley. They may commit a felony, you can't prove it in court.  
> Shout out to redsprite and GreenGlitchBitch for this suggestion! If you want to see a specific character please recommend them in the comments or just tell me what you think of thing in the comments because seeing the comments especially really makes my brain do the happy chemical. Thanks for reading!

hello god

ets me

yer weapon of mass destruction

the one with the

with the finger

ye ken who i am

first of all thank ye

i ken ye helped tracy

in procuring that crock pot

the beef stew she made me

well ets made an honest man of me

i think you'll notice i haven't asked you

a certain question yet

and thas because i'm growing as person

thas what young newt calls it

i think it's a bit of that whole armageddon business

the witchfinder army

well ets over now

newt's moved on and

i think ets time for me too as well

now i don't really want our army to end

just because i'vena gone soft

thas why i'm talking to ye

i need someone to carry own our brave tradition

the man who bought my books

i dunna think he'll be taking on the mantle

but he bought them for a museum, ye ken

so maybe have some young folks

have a bit of inspiration from them

ets strange

i've been a proud member

of the witchfinder army

since i was just a lad

i'm old now

well not that old but

ye ken

ets kind of freeing really

i can meet people now without asking them

about their nipples

ets not my business now

now my business is beef stew

and telling tracy stories

and going to whatever bachelor party newt has planned

i think ets something to do with board games

or some other nonsense

i'm going to have to bring alcohol to this thing

remind me to bring alcohol to this thing

i'll be needing all the help i can to get through that

i love the lad but by christ

board games

at a bachelor party

but i'm a different man now

i havna been a different man in a while

just the same man

old fatter maybe

but still just as sharp and just as dilligent

but now i'm just shadwell

still a sargent maybe

but off duty

tracy says i should get a hobby

like gardening or such like

i don't care for plants

or for fishing

or golfing

i'vena got hobbies

i havna had time for them

i dunna ken

maybe my hobby'll be board games

but at a bachelor party?

lord help that boy

\--

Miracle Response to - SARGENT SHADWELL -

*A sale at the local liquor store to be advertised in said liquor store's window on the way to Jasmine cottage - to be taken full advantage of by Sargent Shadwell - to be used to procure a "gift for Newt" that will be mostly enjoyed by Shadwell and Aziraphale

*A particularly intense game of Uno to be played at the bachelor party of Newton Pulsifer - to be concluded by a small fire that no one would take credit for lighting - to be the beginning of an equally intense game night including Anathema, Crowley and Madame Tracy


	18. Crowley's Plants

we are

and we grow

and we are beautiful

and we grow

and we are

we are

something to be admired

something to be desired

and we are afraid

but we are not so afraid anymore

we are

something marvelous

something wilting just a little bit

we are relaxing 

just a little but more

because now we can

and we are marvelous

maybe not so marvelous anymore

and we are

we are growing

and we are moving

slowing and beautifully

and we are flourishing in the sun

and we are flowering

and did not used to have flowers before

and we are not so afraid

we are

more than we were

we were lovely and afraid

and we are

less lovely and

we are mediocre

and fine

and we are seeing

and growing

and looking

and observing

and we are noticing a change

in us

and in him

and in the sun

and our growing

and we are

we are

loving the new one

who was here before

but did not look like them

and they are lovely

like we were before

and they tell us things

such thing that we are

like beautiful

and gorgeous

and lovely

and we were never called lovely before

we are

in a new place

though it is the same

and we are fine with the changes as they come

and we are free

and we are happy

and we are growing

but so is he

and we are

and we are lovely

and we are not afraid anymore

\--

Miracle Response to - THE PLANTS -

*Increased resilience to wear and tear to be given to the plants - to have always been there because Crowley just assumed that's how plants should look - to be especially important when Aziraphale accidentally waters them with tea absent mindedly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the closest to acctual poetry these have gotten and I feel dirty. Thanks to redcurlzbychoise and katzdecimal for this suggestion. Sorry for the long time no update, but I've just finished up my AP exam and so my brain can now think of something other than American Government. Thank you all for reading and for the kudos, especially for the comments and suggestions, and stay safe out there.


	19. Mary Hodges (Formerly Sister Mary Loquacious)

*Redirected from the Inbox of Satan

hello dark father

i know i've been a little lax on my prayers

but i've been a little busy reinventing myself

ever since the order

well

i'm sure you know about the order

but see look

i've changed

because the old me would have talked about what happened at the order

on and on

because that was how we did it back then

and it's only mostly how i do things now

i have a business now

in the old order's building

so it's all in your dark name

which i think is very funky fresh of me

you're probably wondering about all these new words i'm using

see i recently hired a new social media manager

name clarissa and she's a wonder

she got fired from her company during one of my events

because she was taking it too seriously

and she looked young

and had a nose ring that i thought was very cash money

and she was their social media manager

and now she's mine

so i've been learning so many things

like that i'm apparently a #girlboss

and that there's something called a #girlboss

it's been a very interesting experience

clarissa's been very helpful actually

she's revamped some of those rooms that were too burned out to do anything with

and she bought some halloween decorations and a bucket of red paint

and she decorated the room in your honor

and we're charging more to go in there

saying it's the vip experience

and people love it

now some of it was a little inaccurate

but i fixed it up and she wanted to know where i learned so much about you and your worship and i told her about the convent

and now we've sort of rebranded the who experience and we're making more than ever

now there's a story to it

and we've added these escape the room things

that clarissa said were very trendy right now

and those have been very very popular with bosses

but the employees seem to hate every minute of it and i just think it's a wonderful way to spread your worship

though we do have a problem

we need an advertiser to advertise for us

and clarissa said that she was already doing that

and i said that while a strong social media presences is invaluable in this modern era for any business

it still is important to more traditionally advertise your company to reach a wider range of audiences

and that yes i had gotten a masters in business how could she tell

the problem comes in that we can't find a good advertiser in the tadfield area

and i'd really rather not drive all the way to the nearest one

so i'm coming to you just like mummy used to

so if you could send a little advertiser our way that would be simply divine

or 

or no

wait 

divine is not what i meant

dammit

\--

Miracle Response to - MARY HODGES -

*The Archangel Gabriel to be sent to Earth to assist in this matter - to be taken as overdue response to the Archangel Gabriel's request for understanding - to help him understand things a little more

*A mysterious but very talented advertiser with an angelic gimmick to come and offer his services - to be a sitcom-esque clash of beliefs - to result in a wildly successful adveritisement campaign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the book she really does get a business degree. Did you all really think I would leave Gabriel alone? With nothing? Please. Not when there are Mad Men references to be had.   
> Thank you AlchemyinParchment for this suggestion, I always meant to get to this one but you reminded me to get on it. Here I am putting another chapter out right after the last one as a sorry for the long time between the last two updates. Thanks everyone for the support, for the reads, the kudos, the bookmarks and subscriptions, the suggestions, the kind words, just everything. We're almost at 1,000 hits which is...my brain can barely conceive of that my dudes. You guys are just the best!


	20. Michael, Archangel

mother who art in heaven

i have a question

and it's

it's time sensitive

(deep breath michael

deeeep breath)

are we 

fraternizing with demons now?

like is that a thing we're okay with

because first it was crowley and aziraphale

and then it was crowley and aziraphale's executions

and so it feels like we're okay with demons

like

like we're all good with them

and on that note

i've been talking with ligur

since the fall of byzantium

and it was wrong number at first i swear

but sometimes you've got to vent about gabriel

(excellent job sending him to earth by the way

he's going to hate it)

and sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone new

and then a friend

and

and i just like it

talking to him

and he's

back

okay again

not dead anymore

and so i was going to talk to him

and maybe invite him somewhere

like a middle ground

a neutral place

like delaware

or antartica

it's probably nonsense

probably not allowed

and as we speak

or

i speak

you're getting ready for my fall

but i don't care

we're the same really

different aesthetics

different locations and lives but

we're the same

i was talking to hauster

before ligur came back

he found ligur's phone

and we started talking

like me and ligur did

and it's just been nice

meeting new people

even demonic people

so we're going to surprise him

in delaware or antartica

and just meet

face to face

and talk

face to face

because it's different you know?

really seeing a person

talking to them and seeing their face react to things

not just their voice

and knowing that they're really there

it'll be nice

and i hope it's fine by you

but i think i'll do it no matter what

you seem fine with a little rebellion now and then

and i mean to capitalize on that for as long as i can

\--

Miracle Response to - MICHAEL, ARCHANGEL - 

*No smiting to be done on any angels who "fraternize" with demons - to be not noticed in any way because it's not like anyone was really a voiding the "other side" anymore - to be taken full advantage of by those who wanted to take new friends to neutral places, and those who wanted to take more than friends to more than neutral places

*The Devine Phone Line to offer packages that reach down to Hell at a miraculously reduced cost - to be upgraded to cautiously by several angels - to help create bridges (though considering the location of Heaven and Hell, more of an elevator, or maybe a nice flight of stairs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to mywingsareonwheels for this suggestion! And you guys!!! 1005 hits!!! And on my birthday and everything! When I started this I assumed that five hits was going to be pushing it but 1005 people have read this stupid thing and I can't thank you all enough for reading and kudos-ing and your comments and suggestions. You all are the best. I feel like I should do something special for y'all but I don't know what. If you all like...I don't know have something big in mind that you'd want me to do, I may do it because 1005 hits is mind boggling. My mind is boggled. Thank you guys to the moon and back. Seriously.


	21. The Horsemen

> The Horseman do not pray, and if they did it would not be to any God. Man was created in the image of the almighty, and the Horseman from the image of man. But while the Horseman do not pray, they do think, and those thoughts must go somewhere. Humanity does not have an inbox, and God's is always open to whomever needs it. The Horseman do not need it. They do not want but what they were created in the image of. Or they did. Because they were born anew not to long ago, and they are not the Horseman that they were, not that they'd know it. Maybe that is why their thoughts are so loud, and maybe that it why they have wound up here of all places.
> 
> _\- Mordecai Dominguez after not sleeping for four days and downing a full bottle of NyQuil and a Red Bull_

* * *

**War**

there is not a lot to it really

war is so easy when there is greed

and there will always be greed

it sinks into everything

and pollutes the minds of the rich and poor alike

though my existence needs only the rich

the poor are the soldiers

that is by design

there should be a comfort to some in stability

the knowledge that whatever happens there is a war going on

no matter what happens there are people dying

maybe not for them

or for anything they believe in

but they are there nonetheless

spilling blood and tears and cries both feeble and fierce

they feel just the same to me

my sigil should not be a flaming sword

for a rock covered in a brother's blood

is far more accurate

it was not a war those brother's waged

but it did not matter

we all start somewhere

waiting is the worst part of it

worse now we don't have a date

but i'll manage

i always do

there's always something rich people want

and there's always poor people with no choice but to enlist

and so i will always be waiting

* * *

**Famine**

i think the funniest part is how avoidable i am

it is not a lack of food

but a lack of desire to give it

because humanity has so very much food

that they just throw away

and i am not talking about little suburban houses

making too much pasta and needing to throw some away

no, no i am talking about something much sweeter

i am talking about supermarkets

and chain restaurants

just throwing away excess food

refusing to give it the hungry

and they are so 

very

very

hungry

they serve smaller platters

or larger platters of less food

and i've never been more alive

i think that i will only grow

though i can't be certain

but when you have nothing but time to kill

you need to get hobbies like knitting

and i've already done that

so i'll just grow and grow

as people's stomach's shrink and shrink

and smile at the world being so 

very

very 

hungry

* * *

**Pollution**

i am not as new as you think i am

but i have never been stronger

i think the others know it too

that i am more powerful than them

not death

but the other two

i can see it in their eyes when they look at smokestacks

bleaching that lovely black into an already blackening sky

or when they look to the night sky and see only void looking back

any i can feel the rage but mostly the fear

fear that they will bring about humanity's end - not really

because i am everywhere

the depths of the ocean

the heights of the sky

there is garbage in the mariana trench

and deep into outer space

and they cannot say the same

it eats them up inside for someone so new to be the real villain

or maybe not

maybe they just don't like something so human to be humanity's downfall

there are wars in the animal kingdom

and there is hunger a plenty

and pollution is not a human invention

but but was perfected by them

and it will kill them with equal perfection

i'm counting on it

it won't be long now

* * *

**Death**

i think the fear is in the inevitability of me

there is no escape

no peace treaties

or equal distribution of food

or clean earth projects to halt me

and it does not matter what you do

no matter your wealth

or standing

or deeds you've done

i will be there at the end of it all

i am the oldest

the first created

and i will be the last too

and in the end

the real end

whenever that may be

for even i do not know

there will be nothing

and i will end too

we all end eventually

and you can prolong that wait

or not

but it will come

there is no reason to fear me as so many do

i am the least human because it is not just humanity i am born from

everything dies

it is just a question of when

not in the armageddon as we though

but it is of no consequence

i see no need to speed towards oblivion

it is coming so enough

and i can wait

i always do

all of our times come eventually

i'll see you when yours does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It told you that I'd do something special, didn't I? Thanks to GreenGlitchBitch for this suggestion, and this is one of the ones that I have definitely been putting off but we hit 1000 hits and 100 comments so you all forced my hand. Maybe if you harass me enough I'll do Beelzebub or the Youngs, I know a bunch of you have been vocal about them in the comments and I've been putting it off. Thank you all for the hits, and kudos, and the comments, and subscriptions, and bookmarks, and everything, as always. You all are the best!


	22. Agnes Nutter (Witch)

(olde message)

are ye theyre god?

tis me

agnes

tis but a jeyst

but ye kent thatt

i have hade a most odde vision

it was my ende

an wile i am most relieve that i do not go out

weak and pleading

that does not mean i look fourward to the fyre that awaits me

i often wonder whye ye gave me this powere

it hasna brought me fame or fourtune

only scorn an now fyre

i see thyngs 

odde thyngs

the ende of thyngs mostly

though it is not the ende propper

i hoppe

an i do truely hoppe it

that you hadde a reason for it

it's an odde gyft to give

an odder styll to gyve me

but i thynk i used it welle

mayde you proud

did somme good

though the towne does not think as such

an if i did good

then i guess i dunna mynd my ende

if i helped

even people i dunna ken

then it will be worth it it thynk

good is so rarre now

so harde to comme by

any little bit helps

and i hoppe i did my part

\--

Myracle Responses to - AGNES NUTTER (WITCH) -

*A sayle to be on roofying nails and guns powder in Yor-Birth-Was-A-Sin Miller's Ye Old General Store - to be tayken full advantage off by a certain witch - to also be tayken full advantage of by a Miss Prudence Conway, who built a lovely pagoda in the towne's square

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other than the Bentley, this was the hardest chapter to write. I've got my book open for reference, and my eyes are bleeding. Thanks to redsprite and Katzdecimal for suggesting this, and everyone who sent in suggestions, even if I didn't get to them, they were (and are!) appreciated.   
> But, yeah, I think this is the last one folks. This was my first real fic, and you guys made it mean so much. Thank you all so much for your support, I can't even tell you how much it means to me. The success of this is honestly wild, and I don't think I've all the way internalized it. You all mean the world to me, and I mean that honestly. For the last time, thanks for the comments, the kudos, the bookmarks, the subscriptions, the suggestions, your kind words and support, and, as always, for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> This doesn't have an overarching plot or anything, it's just a bunch of short stories. Any characters you want to see, tell me in comments, I'd love your feedback and I'll give you a shout out in the notes. Here are all the pictures on one convenient Pinterest board if you all want tp full collection: https://www.pinterest.com/gaypiratesandcowboys/inbox-of-god/. Sorry, they all kinda suck, they're kinda old? Thanks for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [No Kingdom To Come](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26010367) by [LongLiveRogers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LongLiveRogers/pseuds/LongLiveRogers)




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